Malayalee vs. Christian

Considering this is the 3rd or maybe 4th week i haven't gone to church since coming back from seeing the girl my mom started crying in the bathroom this morning that the devil is working. Maybe the devil is or isn't working but i couldn't resolve in my head after all the things i've done living a Christian life why i'm being punished with the fact that no intelligent, attractive malayalee woman likes me. As my friend Danielle says, "I don't understand what's wrong with these women." Danielle, neither do I.

It got me thinking about my culture and religion and in particular the brainwashing i've undergone for both. Here's what my culture says:

• Be Educated - there is a hierarchy for education, being a M.D. is at the top, everything else is shit...funny thing is, i earn more than most doctors earn now and my earning potential is going up faster than theirs. Education is all about your earning potential, that's why no one wants their kid to be a garbage collector. But i know for a fact that my plumber takes home more than even i do, which means he makes more than doctors do.
• Come from a good family - that's fine but when your younger brother goes out and gets married first and then to a white girl, well that means your family is fucked up. The submarine klaxon is sounding its warning...avoid this family.
• Be God Fearing - first of all what the hell does God fearing mean? Does God fearing means you put your religion of Christianity first, but putting our religion first means we should put our education and earning potential second. Well that's a violation of our culture. Oh, oh, we have a problem here.

See, i can't figure out why Malayalee's pretend to be Christians. Everything in our culture is in direct violation of Christian principles. Love your neighbour as yourself...we choose to gossip about our neighbour, not love them. Tithe to the church, how many people actually tithe? The weekly $10 donation covers their coffee or tea after church that's it. We strive for highly educated children with professional careers. But that trust translates into dollars. Why are we so concerned about this? Why do we want them to be so overly educated? It translates into a stable career with a steady cash flow. What does a steady (and hopefully) increasing cash flow provide? A nice big house, a 3 car garage with a BMW, Mercedes and Lexus in the driveway. Where does God play a role in all of this? He doesn't, because we love our money more than we love God. We have no faith.

So, i pose the question, why do we pretend to be Christians? Why bother going to church? Is it strictly for the social aspects? That's my opinion. Any young malayalee that is actually concerned about their faith doesn't attend malayalee church's on a regular basis. We shouldn't call it the _____________ Mar Thoma church we should call it the Mar Thoma Community Centre of (whatever city you live in.)

We have to make a choice, either follow our community or follow Christ. Following Christ might mean you end up beocming a doctor or lawyer or engineer or plumber. But we shouldn't judge people by their professions (and yet we do). Following our community means you're highly respected by our community and your earning potential. Is there a way to bring both together, i don't think so.

What the fuck?

I have no other way of describing my emotions and feelings.

My parents put an ad in Manorama for my marriage. I was horrified but i said why not its time. I'm in my late 20s/early 30s, i ain't getting any younger.

I met a very nice, sweet girl, who lives about a 4.5 hours plane ride away from where i live. We spoke on the phone for 7 weeks before i went out and visited her. We had a great time outdoors, and doing fun date activities. We spoke 1-2X/week or at least an hour or more at a time prior to my arrival. On the Sunday before i left i asked her where did she think this was going. She said, she didn't think we had a lot of similar interests.

Frankly, i couldn't believe it. I thought she was turned off by the fact that i didn't drink a lot or wasn't really into the clubbing scene. Anyways, things chilled for a couple of weeks because her father almost had a serious health issue. (See, i still care for her otherwise i'd mention exactly what the health issue was and then people could find out who she is.)

She called me last night and well the conversations were like old times, she changed the subject. There paragraph started out like: (insert name here), i had a great time with you when you came and visited, i enjoyed our weekend together, you are a true gentlemen, a decent guy, no you're a great guy but (anticipation builds) i don't think we're compatible.

I'm sputtering away, as if i've been hit on the jaw, i ask "why?" Says she, "I'm not a big conversationalist and i need someone who is....you're really not a big talker." Wow, now that's a first, i've never been accused of not being a talker. Long story short, she's not opposed to talking futher but she doesn't have time in her schedule to come visit until maybe January. In my mind, i think she's already written me off.

So here's my beef. I'm hurt, really hurt actully. I mean, i invested time, energy, mental and emtions and money into trying to make this work. Like i mean i really tried. My dad's advice was: "Don't screw it up." Well, somehow i managed to screw this up and i gave 145% effort.

Like what the fuck? The thing i don't get is this, I've done everything i'm supposed to do. I picked up every cheque, i fucking gave up a vacation day for this girl, i treated her really well, i even brough flowers on the fucking airplane. Like what more can i do?

I have done everything i possibly can. I did not one but 2 undergrad degrees. Although i wanted to be a doctor, i just couldn't manage it but i still graduated cum laude. i worked for a few years and rose quickly to the top of the last organization i worked for. I went back to school for my masters. I signed a huge ass contract for the summer with a top consulting firm, but that didn't pan out and i wasn't to keen about working 90 hours a week either. I signed another contract, with a nice bonus and great salary and started working again. I make more money than most families do in my Mar Thoma church. I own a house, i own a car (maybe i should upgrade it) i've lost a ton of weight, i have a six figure asset value and its only growing. I have a pleasent personality and up until maybe last week i would consider myself a good Christian. I've obeyed my parents to the nth degree, i don't lie to them, i do my best to respect them and i try and help them take care of the house that we live in. (Yes, i know i don't do a good job about housecleaning but i'll take care of any outside chores.) And through all of this, i'm fucked.

I damn well liked this girl, she was attractive, smart, seemed to have a great personality, educated (she was a doctor) and most of all she led a physically active life. Most Malayalee girls i've met may go to the gym but they are inherently lazy and don't like to exercise, this girl did, and so do i.

So, what do I do? I start drinking again. i gave it up when i left business school and haven't had a sip but the last couple of weeks, i must've finished off the equivalent of a couple of bottles on my own. My mom is crying because of my drinking but guess what, OH- is the only thing that seems to dull the pain of my broken heart.

My dad in his fucking wisdom wonders why i'm so upset, he thinks if this girl doesn't like you someone else will. He thinks it shameful that i should like/want this girl if she doesn't want me. What he fails to grasp is that there is no one else out there. Doctors don't necessarily want to marry anyone else but a doctor. I liked this girl because she wasn't stuck-up, she was so down to earth, wasn't into fancyness but just wanted to have some fun and be normal. She liked the fact that i wan't a doctor and yet i was intelligent (but somehow was unable to carry a conversation.) She was a 11 on a scale of 10. I mean she was perfect, i could imagine settling down and having a gazillion babies with her.

My dad says, don't worry there are others. But guess what dad, there are no others! You can't find perfect women. Your fucking network is fucked, you don't know people and don't keep in contact with enough of them. People think you're a fucking moron and have no control over your family because your youngest son got married before your oldest and got married to a white girl. The girls that are presented before you are butt-fucking ugly or uneducated or both. Or these girls from bum-fuck India are clamoring for me but i hate it. They only want my passport.I worked damn fucking hard and i don't want to support two mouths as they other one struggles for life and existence here in North America.

My dad in his classic, "I'm trying to talk to you" says i'm a low status individual because my profession is not one of being a doctor. Why do all of the Malayalee's like engineers? Fuck, i make more money than most engineers i know. I work in Finance and i hate it, the only reason i do it is because it looks better for matrimonial prospects than working in say Marketing. I'm a much better marketer than a finance guy. So now i'm fucking doing something i hate and still not getting prospects. Fuck!

Where the hell is God in all of this? I've done everything God, why fuck me now? Maybe i don't really believe? There's that saying, life is short and then you die. Well my moto now is, "my life is fucked, now is a good time to die."

I'm bending over and taking it.

I spent some significant time in India and had a great experience. I learned that most Malayalees are jackasses and are extremely cunning and coniving individuals. I hate that, i met a girl that i liked in India, maybe potential marriage options but she wouldn't communicate with me so i dropped it.

I had quite a few girls' fathers complain that my family wasn't good enough for them. I penned the following because i was soooo ticked:

"You know being a malayalee christian is not an easy job. I mean where else can you be raised in a traditional religious household where your father does not take spiritual leadership. Where else can your family looked down upon when your younger brother gets married before you, and get looked down again not because her married a malayalee but a white girl.

Where else can you get blamed by your parents for not liking unattractive or poorly educated girls that your parents put in front of you for marriage purposes? Where else can your brother more happy because he disobeyed his parents when it came to girls and although you obeyed your parents and had no girlfriends (although the opportunity was presented before you many
times) you are still single and not getting anymore handsome. Where else can your mother continue to remind that you are only an average individual. I can tell you where, in my house!

You know what? I'm totally fucked, i might as well bend over and take it, oh wait, i forgot, i'm already doing that."

Why This Blog & Who Am I

I figured its time to join the blogging phenomena. I've avoided facebook (somehow) so far but i've been going through a lot of shit lately (especially marriage related) and its time i publish.

Who am I? Well, i could do the typical bio-data response and say i am a 24 year old, engineer on a H1-B visa but i'll spare you the details. Let's put it this way, i was born and brought up in North America. I did my undergraduate degrees in North America, and my graduate degree as well. Maybe i'll write what my graduate degree was in the future but for now, I'm remaining anonymous. As much as my parents drive me insane i don't want to hurt them with the postings i am going to write about.